Yeah I know I said I'd write more about fear today but I'm really feeling compelled to write about faith which is the opposite of fear. Besides, there's really only a couple of poems that I want to share with you about moving past the fear and taking the risk. I'll get to them..............
The other side of fear is faith. Despite my relationship with Christ, I honestly don't have a lot of faith. Sometimes I panic in a crisis and fear the worst. Sometimes I don't and I am very calm. Today I realized I may have more faith than what I think. Yeah it's the church situation again. I refuse to give up and believe that it's truly over. In fact on Saturday I'm going to go to a healing service at the very church that exiled me. Yes I do think that the Pastors are going to poop a brick when they see me but....... And yes I do know that I'm crazy for wanting to go but as usual my craziness got me thinking. I got to thinking about the whole concept of moving on. We prize ourselves on it. It's one of our values. Even the gospels speak about shaking the dust off your feet and moving on if things don't work out however they also talk about standing firm. Forward motion is good. Katrina Onstad in the January issue of Chatelaine says: "Movement-forward, onward, upward - is the guiding principal of the New World. In jobs, real estate and our personal lives, movement is success ands stasis is failure. There's no better balm for "He dumped me" than 'You've moved on.'" I wholeheartedly agree. Off the top of my head I can think of at least 2 dozen country songs that talk about getting over it and moving on. Housing shows with titles like "Property Ladder" indicate that upward motion is the only way. My 20 year high school reunion is this summer. I know that if I go I'll be expected to talk about where I've gone in life. It's not where you've been but where you're going that counts right? Movement is desired but only at a set pace. You don't want to be accused of running away from things and you also don't want to seem too transient. Commitment is a desired trait as well. Boy do we ever send conflicting messages to ourselves.
What if moving on is overrated? What if moving on can be hurtful? At least being forced to move on before you're ready? I know that happens with grief. I was forced to move on after the death of baby Jonathan long before I was ready. The result of not dealing with it in my own time line was that it messed me up for later. It was part of the gunk I dealt with last summer. 10 years ago someone I loved was murdered. It was summer. In January of the next year I cried in public over it and while I'm sure some people were sympathetic what I remember most about that day is the person who asked me why I still wasn't over it. Over it? It's been 10 years and I STILL cry in public! I am STILL not over it. Yeah I know the point is to move on past the pain but sometimes I need to confront the pain in order to heal. Sometimes it's ok to stay where you are until you're ready and you are the only person who knows when the time is right. Your experiences your timeline.
I think of one of my aunts who has lived in the same house for about 40 years. She also worked at the same job from the day she graduated high school until the day she retired. No upward movement there. No bigger and better house. No long resume. Instead she and her family built stability. A house that is full of memories and a strong, strong family. Honestly I envy her. I would trade our gypsy lifestyle in a minute for an address people could write in their books in ink.
And what about the times when moving on isn't the right thing to do at all? What about the times when it's best not to move but to stand? That's where faith comes in right? I believe our church issues will be solved even though there's no shred of evidence to support that right now. But I guess I have faith. I have a friend whose wife left him about a year ago. Last time I looked he was still wearing his wedding ring. That inspires me. He still believes. I think of all the people who have sat by the bedside of a loved one, hours and hours after the doctors have said that there is no hope, or even suggested it's time to stop life support. The people who pray and wait and believe. They sacrifice hours and meals maybe even their own health and jobs. They know that behind their backs others are whispering about them; about their weakness not to let go or that they're in denial. That they need to move on; it's for the best. But still they believe. It's not time to move on yet. They have faith. And then one day the loved one moves, the monitors flicker and a miracle happens. I'm sure that history or even modern society is filled with stories like that that I would love to hear more about. Not just to get me through this current crisis but to build my own faith with.
What about the families of people who are missing or abducted or who just leave by choice? Don't they hold out hope? Don't they refuse to move on? Jaycee Duggard was gone for 18 years, Elizabeth Smart for 9 months. Physically their families moved on but what if they had quit believing? Restoration, reconciliation. It's hard to believe that you're ever going to be reconciled with somebody who has hurt you. It's hard to be the only one in the whole wide world who's believing in something. But as Garth Brooks said: "As long as one heart still holds on then hope is never really gone." Hold on. Stand firm.
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