Where where you when the world stopped turning? The song will help you remember

Yesterday I wrote about strange but true holidays. The kind for which there are no Hallmark cards. How can there be cards when often there are no words? And that brings to mind other holidays that there aren't cards for either. I'm not talking about public stuff like wedding days and graduation days but private ones. Ones that may only be observed, since celebrated is soooooooo the wrong word, single person but are still significant and still worth being remembered if they choose.

Some private holidays are great. They celebrate victory. Prayers answered. Dreams coming true. The day an addiction was beat. The day freedom was gained. The day the tests came back negative, or on the other side, the day the tests came back positive and you found out you were expecting baby X. As a family we've had those days. But we've also had the other type of private holidays. The days that mark tragedy and grief.

In a song Alan Jackson asks "Where were you when the world stopped turning?" We've had a lot of world stopping days. On some of them the world has come to a slow stop. We've had a heads up that something was wrong whether because we've been called into a meeting or because the doctor has paused in his examination and you're holding your breath. Those are the times when you tell yourself not to worry but.............Sometimes what is probably nothing actually IS something. In all the stats about only one person in five zillion gets this or this happens to somebody has to be that one right?

Sometimes the world comes to an abrupt screeching halt. I feel like I get some sort of emotional whiplash on those days as my life suddenly takes an unexpected turn. Everything seems to move slowly like suspended animation. Things float in mid air, You stop in mid sentence. You are in the middle of doing X when it happens. The phone rings. There's a knock on the door or in these days more likely an email. An innocuous looking email buried amongst a lone line of others in your in box. An ordinary day that would otherwise just blend in with the week before it and the week after it suddenly becomes "the day X happened."


The good news is that the time around these days often fade. First, you forget that it was a Tuesday that it happened. That is good because there are only seven days in a week and you cannot avoid one of them indefinitely. You might move into forgetting the actual date. My head always has a love/hate relationship with forgetting. As much as I try to push something out and move forward from it I also feel guilty about forgetting all of the details of a crisis. I guess I equate remembering with love. If I really loved the person or if I really cared I would remember everything. Forgetting seems to be a disservice or loss of respect. And it is, whoa be to the husband who forgets an anniversary right?

Private grief days often attach themselves to time of the year. It was spring and the lilacs had just come into bloom when............... It was the hottest/coldest day of the year when.......................... We were setting up the Christmas tree when................. And now every time I set up the Christmas tree I get a little sad...........

My friend K is always amazed that I remember her anniversary. Want to know the secret? Her anniversary happens to be the exact same day that my Huggyband's late wife died. That means that while I was at K's wedding, secretly feeling woe full and jealous because I was sure that I would never, ever get married, a major life event was happening 2000 miles away that would change the lives of many, many people including mine. I don't know who caught the bouquet at K's wedding but I do know that I was the next to get married.

September 11th in my family is a bittersweet day. 2 years after the original 9/11 my Huggyband and I became engaged. Even now as others remember with sadness the events of that horrible day we celebrate the day we took a major step to becoming a family. I know ladies who gave birth on 9/11 and one who finalized the adoption of her child the same day. For us the day of great joy will always be tinged with just a little bit of guilt.
　
If you are very unlucky grief days happen on a specific holiday. Last year my Huggyband was diagnosed with cancer on Canadian Thanksgiving thank God he was un-diagnosed 2 days later. My brother died just before Christmas of last year; his remains reached home on Christmas Eve Day. Past Halloweens in my family have brought the loss of a job, the death of an aunt and an unfortunate accident that resulted in death.

I'm not sure what to do with those holidays. How to observe them. I wrestle with it as it's kind of a year by year thing. Do I want to do something for baby J's birth/death day? Or do I want the day to pass quietly, preferably with me just spending the day in bed? That changes day to day and even if I have a plan I reserve the right to change my mind at the very last minute. That would be a question worth asking publicly. How do you remember the birth and death days of a loved one? But I couldn't really ask it because society tells me that I must move on. I have HUGE issues about that one that I'll tell you about some day. It always seems these days should be marked somehow and I would feel guilty if I didn't do anything. The honest truth is that baby J won't care if I light a candle for him or not. So I guess the answer , like I"m sure most answers dealing with grief is to do what makes me feel good at the moment. Problem is that I don't always know what that is. As in touch with my feelings as I am, there are times when I don't have a clue what I want to do with those feelings.

"And even if the whole world has forgotten the song remembers when." It's a line in a Trisha Yearwood song that doesn't quite fit my context, but it's true. There are a lot of things that can trigger memories both good and bad. The stuff that takes you back to a specific time and place. Tastes, scents, sounds, songs. Songs that define that time and place. They make you experience it again. The good stuff like this song by Steven Curtis Chapman that always takes me back to a train in South Korea headed south through rice paddies:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2v-wZP6I3c. Songs that become the signature of a period in our lives or a relationship. "And we were singin............" They can just sum up a moment. When something happens to that relationship or person the song will still be associated with them but in a different context.
My friend C's memorial video included the line "don't you just hate it when they play a song at a funeral and it wrecks the song for you forever? Well don't worry I'm not going to wreck A song for you, I'm going to wreck a bunch of songs for you." As if that wasn't bad enough along comes this Toby Keith song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHZCAcSh7ls I miss you yesterday C as I watched the Olympic opening ceremonies from BC place. I remember being in the press box there with you in 7th grade when you did your best Howard Cosell narration of an imaginary game. I'll see you on the other side superstar. Until then I'll avoid the radio or at least that song...........

Sometimes remembering makes you sad.